HEALTH CORNER

It's Not Fair – An Unhealthy Attitude

David San Filippo, Ph.D.

I first became sensitized to the statement, “It's not fair,” by raising children. Often when my son would be told to do something and his sister wasn't, he would exclaim, “It's not fair!” When I would tell my daughter that she couldn't do something that her older brother had been allowed to do, she would comment, It's not fair!” Then one day I was sitting in my office and I heard someone in the office exclaim “It's not fair!” I began to become sensitive to this statement and began to notice that the cry, “It's not fair!” seems to have become part of our society's normal communication. Where did this attitude came from, what is fair, when do we use this statement, why do we think some things are not fair, and how to change this attitude.

Where did the attitude, “It's not fair” come from? I believe that we began to develop this attitude when we first began to interact with other people and saw that they sometimes did things different from us. I wonder if Adam thought it was unfair when God said to him, "And to Adam he said, ‘Because you listened to your wife and ate the fruit I told you not to eat, I have placed a curse on the ground. All your life you will struggle to scratch a living from it,'” (Genesis 3:17 ). Or did Job cry that it was not fair when God used him for God's glory by responding to Satan by stating, "'Very well, then, everything he has is in your hands, but on the man himself do not lay a finger,” (Job 1:12 ). So often we look at others and believe that their lives are better than ours. This attitude is often expressed by the statement, “The grass always appears greener on the other side.” This attitude may be caused by our conscious or unconscious belief that others are better off than we are. Of course, this is not true. We all have our own unique characteristics and gifts that make us different from the person next to us but we are all equal. Often, however, we do not see our uniqueness and its value to our individuality, but only see what we consider to be things that another has that may be better than us. We then consider it not to be fair that we are not like another person or have what they might have. We forget that God commanded, “Do not covet your neighbor's house. Do not covet your neighbor's wife, male or female servant, ox or donkey, or anything else your neighbor owns,” (Exodus 20:17 ).

What's not fair and what is fair? For some reason we live with an expectation that life is suppose to be fair. Therefore, when we encounter a situation that appears not to be going the way we believe it should be going, we believe that its outcome is not fair. Children and adults appear to have similar definitions for what is not fair. These seem to be issues related to personal relationships, the equity of assigning responsibilities and expectations, and the distribution of gifts. Bob Sjogren and Gerald Robison, in their book, Cat and Dog Theology , comment, “Life isn't designed to revolve around us; hence the question ‘Is that fair to us?' isn't a valid question. Life wasn't designed to be fair. Life was designed to be a series of opportunities to point to and reveal God's glory.”

When is the attitude of, “It's not fair” most commonly used? From my experience, it appears that this attitude arises whenever someone perceives or feels threatened that someone else may be getting something that she or he believes should be her or his. The perceived right to consider that something should go to me instead of another could lead to the attitude that something is not fair when it does not go the way I desire. When this attitude is perceived, perhaps a consideration of one's selfishness scale should be considered.

Why do we believe things are not fair? This attitude seems to have developed from our first interactions with others and our observations of other people's activities and lives. These attitudes can be developed from watching television and seeing how other peoples' lives are lived – although fictitious. Often in TV Land and Movie Land we see personal encounters always work out and it appears that the main characters lives work out fairly. In many of the stories children are read, the stories end with happy endings. Perhaps these expectations of happy endings lead us to believe that our life incidents should all have happy endings. When our real-world lives do not always end with happy endings, then we may believe things are not fair.

How do we change the attitude of “It's not fair”? Perhaps taking time to reflect on the fact that no one ever stated or proved that life was to be fair might help us to change our attitude. Also, if we develop an attitude of gratefulness for what we have and are not always looking at what other people have, we may stop evaluating our lives by what might be fair and be thankful for what we have. Perhaps by forming a more positive attitude towards our personal lives and the world around us we will be more satisfied with our lives and will not be so quick to look at another person's life and compare it with ours. By finding satisfaction in our own lives we might find that judging whether something is fair or not is no longer important. Finding fairness in life might be found in doing something to help one another. Finally, we should consider that if we believe that life is all about us, instead of the belief that life is all about the glory of God, then we will miss opportunities to see God's work in situations that we thought were unfair. As Paul, who had room to complain that his life was not fair, wrote to the Colossians in 2 Cor 12:8-9, “Three times I pleaded with the Lord to take it away from me. But he said to me, ‘My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.' Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me.” He understood that in situations that did not seem fair to him or others, he knew that these issues would glorify God. It is my belief that if we adopt a new attitude, the attitude that it is not about whether something is fair or not but it is about how is God being glorified by my sense of unfairness and how I may assume a grateful attitude towards God's use of my unfairness.